Americanah in Tears

I finished Americana and I cried because

Nigerian men don't leave their wives.

Because I always wanted a love so pure, so true,  a love that feels like home.

Because I am scared that I may end up like Kosi and Obinze, two strangers who marry and remain strangers.

Is there really a love out there, one that is true and pure and comfortable and sweet and defies all odds?

Because I have only glimpsed but never actually held it, owned it or savored it. I have only dreamed it, wished for it, imagined it, needed it so desperately but it has never really been mine.

I know that many people will go through life, never finding it, missing it and living this mundane existence, a far cry from what they want.

Is it true that we don’t marry who we truly love but who is available when we are ready to marry?

I know personally of ladies, friends even guys who left the ones they love because he/she was not financially ready at the time and they were supposedly running out of time.

So they settle, to have a husband/wife and kids, to feel secure that they are doing what they are supposed to be at a certain age.

I am not judging but I wonder, do they ever think of what could have been?

Do they have tiny moments where they regret? Do they look at the spouse and sometimes wish, in a small corner of their heart that they made a different choice?

I honestly don’t know. So many bow under societal and family pressures.

In Nigeria, I don't think we do things out of feelings. I think that the harshness of our lives have hacked all tenderness out of us and because we know intricately that no matter what, we will survive, we are able to leave the ones we love, to bear the pain in stoic silence because we know that it will pass. Heartbreak has never killed anybody and that knowledge keeps us grounded, makes us take the hard choices without batting an eye.

We are unable to sympathize or even understand the great love stories Americans and Indians tell us, we can’t understand it when people fight, and even die in the name of love. After all, na love we go chop?

We feel that we are wise, that we are strong because that emotion can never trap us, we can never be a desperate mumu that people will use and laugh at because of that emotion.

And it seems to work for us. But are we right or just surviving as usual?

Truth is, I would like to hear stories from people who settled, how they are coping, if they have any regrets. You can send me an anonymous mail. I am honestly just curious and I think stories like that would help others out there.

Another thing I would like to know is if this love I am talking about actually exists? Have you ever experienced it before? Why and how did it end? Most importantly, how did it feel?

I spent my teenage years idealizing love, that passion and feeling and comfort that it brings. Are my imaginations right? Or is love a stable mundane, ordinary thing that we could miss because we are looking for superficial things? Have I loved in my own minimal way and didn't realize it because I wanted all the heaviness?

Honestly, I think for me, I am not just talking about the passion and emotion. No. I want the ease of companionship, to feel like someone knows me intimately and I know him the same way, to be so comfortable with someone that he is an extension of myself, to feel like his smile, his presence is home. Because I know that feelings fade and passion dries out occasionally. But this friendship/companionship does not fade.